Have a Crumb Bean Sandwich

Wow. The list of things you can make money on just got a bit bigger. Apparently you can now be paid for not wearing clothes. I don't mean like being a stripper. I mean like not wearing specific clothes. This not-to-be-named dude from a not-to-be-named "reality" program has been offered money to not wear clothes from a not-to-be-named retailer. It seems their brand is being tarnished a bit, in their not-so-humble opinion.

So I reckon I need to get what amounts to a proposal together. Here's what I have so far. Tell me what you think.

Dear Slabbercrombie & Flinch,

First off, let me say how much I admire your catalogs. I enjoy "shopping" with them in my bathroom. You certainly seem to have developed quite the brand for yourself there. And the peeps out there sure are digging it too.

Although I have never purchased any of your products nor worn them in public, and I am not a public figure nor can reasonably hope to be one in the immediate future, I would like to let you know that I am hereby requesting compensation for preventing such a situation from ever occurring. I prefer to nip things in the bud. You can't unring a bell, as they say.

I would not want to be responsible for the further degradation of the brand that you have so skillfully cultivated. I'm considerably older than your target demographic. I'm balding on top and I'm just a bit paunchy. I also eat quite a bit of garlic, which affects both my breath and my perspiration, which tends to be voluminous when compared to that of the average person. And I have a tendency to declaim quite loudly and repeatedly to whomever is within earshot just where I purchased my daily outfit, which (I must say) does not get changed or washed with any frequency. Let me add here that I live in New York City and ride public transportation, so my audience tends to be large and diverse.

I'm certain that the last thing you want is for millions of New Yorkers to be referring to "that loud, smelly Slabbercrombie & Flinch guy" and have them showing me on the "Today" show. Can you imagine? I could be like the Naked Cowboy. Tourists would have their picture taken with me. Well, maybe not with me. There is the smell. And the head lice. But near me. With me in the background. Like they do with Mount Rushmore. And your company stock, not to mention your cultural cachet, would take a beating the likes of which hasn't been seen in this country since "The Outlaw Josey Wales".

I'm not a greedy man. I'm only thinking $10-20,000 per week would be sufficient to keep me out of Slabbercrombie & Flinch couture. Just think of the upside. It's a tax write-off, if nothing else.

Please let me know at your earliest convenience when my first check will arrive. And thanks. Slabbercrombie & Flinch!

Your humble servant,
MAB

What's the (Squirrel) Poop?

I was in Prospect Park today here in Brooklyn and noted that this is indeed the busy season if you happen to be a squirrel.

The furry little guys were out in full force digging through the leaves for acorns to bring back to the homestead for the winter. They were scrambling around madly and occasionally fighting with their fellow bushy-tailed rodents over the best nuts. A similar scene was playing out in malls all across America.

I'm not sure what path my brain took to get there, but the whole thing got me to thinking about squirrel poop. Nobody ever mentions squirrel poop. Dog poop, bird poop, cat poop, horse poop...they're all part of city life. Squirrel poop? Not so much, apparently. But squirrels must poop, right? They're animals, and mammals at that. They eat, they scamper about, they have butts. Ergo, they poop. So where is it? It must be there, right?

But nobody ever says, "Aw, fuck, I just stepped in squirrel poop!" And you never hear anyone holler, "I looked up and a goddamn squirrel pooped right on my head!" Are the poops just too small to see? Birds that are much smaller than squirrels manage to make their poop known. And I've seen some dogs running around that shouldn't be picking any fights with your garden variety squirrel.

Any scatologists out there that can enlighten me on squirrel poop? Google isn't exactly doing it on this topic. And I wanna know.

Sarah Palin, Babykiller

Every day we get more evidence that not allowing Sarah Palin into the White House was a serious dodged bullet.

Today, we get this chilling photo from Jim Wilson of the New York Times showing just how demonic Governor Palin and her minions are.

As onlookers beam in approval, Palin mercilessly stabs this screaming baby to death with a fine point indelible marker.


Culture of Life indeed.

Great Moments in Advertising: Whiten Your Teeth with Photoshop

Check out this lame excuse for an ad. Apparently, these people have yellow teeth.



Okay, either these people are also afflicted with serious jaundice (in which case, their teeth are the least of their worries) or these images were tinted yellow. I'm guessing the latter.

Learn how to use Photoshop, people. You could have focused on just the teeth, if you'd just read a little teensy bit of the instructions. They're under "Help".

Oh, and I'm pretty sure the second photo is supposed to be white. (The teeth, that is.) It doesn't look all that different from the first one.

Talking Heads Auto Tuned

Not those Talking Heads. The kind you see on the teevee.

This is awesome. Enjoy.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The NHL Goes All to Hell

Now they've really done it.

The Pittsburgh Penguins, in their insane lust for power, have made a bargain with... ooh, I can't say it.

It all seemed so normal at ESPN.com.

Celtics looking old and glum. The usual hirings, firings and trades. But wait, what's this in the Headlines section?

Pens turn to whom? SATAN? Oh no. For shame, Pittsburgh. Is winning really worth your immortal soul?

Okay, okay, I'm probably only about the eight gazillionth person to make fun of this guy's name. Even Yahoo Sports thinks it's funny. Don't believe me? Check out the URL to his profile there. And it's pronounced shuh-TAHN. I guarantee you he will never play for the Devils. That would be just too too much.

You're Welcome

I'm fortunate enough to have a special website that allows me to change the weather. Check this out.

That was the weather yesterday. Then I decided to change it. You can thank me by sending a nice fruit basket or something.

The Invasion Has Begun

Be afraid. Be very afraid. The aliens have finally landed and they walk among us. I've spotted dozens of them right here in Manhattan. They look human, almost like you and me. This is only because they take over people's bodies. They smile. They open doors for you. They ride the subway. They order lunch. In short, they seem perfectly normal.

But they're not.

I don't know how they are spreading their evil or how long it will take before we are completely overrun with them but, fortunately for us, there is a way we can tell who they are. They usually have what looks like a sooty smear on their foreheads. Sometimes it's cruciform, as in the picture on the right. Other times it just looks like a shapeless smudge.

If you see one of these creatures, do not attempt to kill it. Simply approach it, look it directly in the eye, and SCREAM AS LOUD AS YOU CAN for as long as you can. They usually run away. Sometimes they call for a police officer. But if they do that, you can have them arrested for being an illegal alien. Unless the cop has a smear on his/her forehead too. Then you're in deep shit, Spanky.

Did You Ever Know That I'm Your Hero?

I'm everything you wish you could be.



Am I mighty safe? Safe AND mighty? A mighty executive that deals in safes? You decide. I'm too tired.

Go here and be a hero yourself. Thanks to Kizz and Mrs. Chili for the gloriously time-wasting link.

The Future Is Now, and It Shoots 33% from 3-point Range

It's finally happened. Images have been coming to us from...THE FUTURE!

A picture of NBA star Sam Cassell has recently emerged showing how he will look seven months from now. It's downright eerie.

Apparently, in the future, recently-traded reserve Cassell will return to the Celtics. And pose for a photo!

Next, photos of Barack Obama's seventh State of the Union address and Brad Pitt as an actual old man.

Inflation

So here's a picture I found in, of all places, ESPN's website. In a basketball preview, no less. [Insert your own basketball joke here.]

Apparently, this is an actress on AMC's well-regarded series "Mad Men", which I have never seen. Although I'm now one step closer to putting it in the ol' Netflix queue.

I was struck by the link above the picture that says "Enlarge".

My question, and I think it's an obvious one: Aren't they large enough already?

Michelle Obama Wants to Eat Your Children

Oh my god. This is scary. We simply cannot let this woman into the White House. Mrs. O was the subject of a NYT profile today, and in it she showed her true colors. This is what she said at a recent rally.

“So many precious little babies like that one!” she said after noticing one infant near the stage. “Just completely delicious!”

Aaaaaauuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhh!

First terrorist fist jabs, then socialism, and now cannibalism?

The article continues:

Then Mrs. Obama leapt into the crowd, snatched two babies from their mothers, dashed their heads together and slurped out the contents. Crowd reaction was surprisingly mixed.

I'm not letting my kids anywhere near this fiend.

Palin Bingo

Why just watch the debates and scream at the television? Have some fun by printing out these custom Palin Bingo cards.

If that's not enough for you, you can always fall back on the standard drinking games. I plan to get completely sloshed by drinking every time she says "maverick".

Obama Selects Biden as Running Mate

Below is a photo of Barack Obama and Joe Biden just before the rally announcing Obama's selection of Biden as his VP.

If these two can learn to stand each other, the Republicans don't stand a chance!

Has Anybody Seen...?

We hereby solemnly mark the passing of Dr. Hugh R. Butt, whose breakthroughs in gastroenterology and the study of coagulation have saved many lives and made many other lives better.

Dr. Butt had worked at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota for many years and lived to the ripe old age of 98.

He was born Hugh Jass but changed his name to Butt in 1957 after a series of prank phone calls drove him and his family to distraction and annoyance. Wanting to make the phone calls cease while still honoring the respected Jass family name, he chose his new surname as a less naughty partial synonym. Puzzlingly, the phone calls continued nearly until his recent death.

For all you did, Hugh, we thank you. Now when anyone asks if we've seen a Hugh Jass, we'll tell them to look under the Hugh Butt.