Five Other Things to Watch For

The NYT has a little preview of tonight's "debate" in Iowa. They title it "Five Things to Watch for in Iowa Debate". I'm so fed up with these people and their downward spiral into turning the Republican Party into the largest fringe group in the United States. (Yes, this is a contradiction in terms. But this is what it feels like to watch the world around you go insane.)

Here are Five Other Things to Watch For in tonight's debate. And you won't have to look that hard, I promise you.*

1. Crazy

2. Really Crazy

3. Crazy Cleverly Disguised as Sane

4. Crazy Very Thinly Disguised as Sane

5. Absolutely Batshit Fucking Crazy

Oh, and also mean. Really really mean. That's six things, I know. Seven if you count stupid. Enjoy your evening.

* I apologize for the complete lack of insight in this post. Sometimes you just throw your hands up in the air because it does just as much good as arguing sensibly. Although, in my defense, Thing to Watch For #5 in the Times article is basically the same as mine.

Round 4: The End (Finally)

Remember back in 2000, when Al Gore got pilloried for sighing during the debates with The Idiot? And remember how he got lambasted for seeming to be a different person in each debate?

I heard Johnny Mac breathing at least four times during Obama's turns last night. And we got yet another John McCain for this debate. It wasn't really a different guy. It was just a different flavor. Gore had gone from pedantic to forceful to just plain lame (although he really won each debate quite handily, regardless of the wanna-have-a-beer-with-him crowd's bewildering preference for the other guy). McCain was a cranky old man who wouldn't look at his opponent in the first debate, a cranky old condescending man who wandered a lot in the second debate, and a cranky old sarcastic man who alternated between screaming and laughing inappropriately in the third debate. And he interrupted Obama a lot. Not good.

Obama was even more Obama-y then ever and McCain was even McCainier, like himself in the previous debates but on steroids. Or goofballs. He tried really hard to seem funny and sharp. But he just looked like your embarrasing uncle, who also tries really hard to be funny and sharp but only has you and your family to embarrass, not the whole freaking country. Of course, the polls had been trending towards the cool guy for some time now, so McCain doesn't stand to gain much by being more of what we're already deciding we don't like very much. But he doesn't have any other arrows in the quiver. So there it is.

For the first half hour I was bored and thought McCain was actually winning. Obama was trying not to lose, like a football team up by 20 points in the 4th quarter running out the clock. Which is fine. That's all he had to do here. But after McCain wasn't able to rattle Obama, and Obama showed yet again that he knew exactly what he was talking about on, oh, every issue, McCain's head started to smoke and he grew increasingly disjointed and embarrassing-uncle-like.

He actually was making a bit of sense for a while. And then he just started babbling incoherently, moving from one topic to another, getting angrier and more dismissive all the while. By the end, he was equating Down Syndrome with autism. And criticizing someone's health care proposal with calling someone a terrorist. This debate was the McCain campaign in a nutshell. No direction, no consistent message, throwing everything at the wall hoping desperately that something will stick, progressively more insane as it circles the bowl.

Obama did himself proud in his responses about abortion, taxes and (why must we talk about this? why?) Bill Ayers and ACORN. McCain looked like he crapped his pants after he taunted Obama for not saying what penalty would be levied for not providing employee insurance and Obama told the strangely ubiquitous Joe the Plumber that his penalty would be "$0".

McCain had at least two horrible moments. First, he pooh-poohed women's health, suggesting that women exaggerate their own health risks because they just looooves getting them some abortions. Ow, my neck! I need an abortion! Great way to get the gals on your side, Johnny.

(Oh, and while we're on the subject, I am so fucking sick of the "liberal" position always being called "extreme" and the conservative position always being called "mainstream", regardless of where public opinion really lies. What was that last word? Oh, yes. LIES.)

His other bad moment was more subtle. It was after Obama discussed the Lily Ledbetter case. McCain brushed it off with muttered comments about the statute of limitations and the case being a "trial lawyer's dream". He, of course, never bothered defending the actual merits of the case, which was a disgrace. He clearly did not want to talk about it and quickly moved on to the next topic. Another bad bad thing to say in front of the ladies. Or anyone with a sense of fairness.

The post-debate snap polls all went Obama's way. Again. And McCain's positive/negatives went even further in the wrong direction.

This is not over yet. A lot can happen in three weeks. But something really disastrous would have to occur for Obama to lose this.

McCain can most productively spend his time drafting a nice apologetic concession speech.

Round 3: "Town Hall"

We didn't learn much from the latest prez debate. Perhaps the best new information we got is that John McCain knows how to get Osama bin Laden. In a real debate with follow-up questions, the next question would be along the lines of, "Yeah? How?" But this wasn't a real debate.

Of course, in a sane world, the response from ordinary people would be along the lines of, "WHAT? How long have you known this and when the fuck were you planning on telling us, you asshole? Have you considered sharing this valuable information with our current leaders? Someone needs to be sent out for an 'enhanced interrogation technique'." Of course, this isn't really a sane world.

McCain's other big moment was doing that fierce combination of demonic botox smirk and lingering-war-injury shrug while pointing at Obama and calling him "that one" as if he were your grandmother saying "Guess who broke somebody's lamp today?" "Why who, Grammie?" "That one." "Waaahhh!!!"

Some people have claimed this was racist. Eh, not really. He didn't exactly call him "boy" or "uppity". It was just garden-variety condescension. Bad enough, and the one sound bite that people will remember most from this event.

Overall, Obama again showed himself to be calm, collected, knowledgable and, yes, presidential. McCain again showed himself to be a cranky, petulant, impatient old man who should be put out to pasture before he does even more damage to his once-proud reputation. Oh, and he said "my friends" so often that it started to sound like "you ignorant shitbags".

This was supposed to be McC's best format. Of course, foreign policy was supposed to be his best subject. If this is the best he's got, we don't need to see any more. Time to stick a fork in him.

Round 2: Tag Team

I didn't really catch much of the latter half of the VP debate last night. I was totally cocked off my ass from drinking every time Sarah Palin used the word "maverick". By 45 minutes in I was reduced to taking my pants off and French kissing my TV screen while screaming "Kiss me, you hot sexy veeper, you! SLLUUUUUUURRPP!" And then Joe Biden finished his response.

D'oh!

Well, this was about what I expected. Palin, of course, didn't display the awkward pauses and idiotic non-answers that we saw in her interviews with Katie Couric and, to a lesser extent, Charles Gibson. Instead she displayed awkward attacks and well-scripted non-answers delivered with a wink and a smile and a "you betcha". Oh, and a whole pile of lies.

Of course, she couldn't come up with any fresh lies. She just had the ones from her note cards, which she consulted furiously during Biden's turns and even during her own. Whenever a buzzword was mentioned by Biden or moderator Gwen Ifill, the light in her head went on and she grabbed the note card with that canned response on it, regardless of whether it was really appropriate to the question or whether she had already used it.

She certainly showed that she was capable of talking, as long as she had something rehearsed. And she is undeniably charming. And forceful, when she has the aforementioned rehearsed statements. If I had watched this debate and I didn't speak English, I would have given it to her hands-down. Unfortunately for Mrs. P, I (and the rest of America) do speak English. And, call me crazy, I care about content. Her "responses" were utterly free of substance. It was, as The Idiot and his fellow Texans would say, all hat and no cattle.

Seriously, I expected overuse of "maverick" but even I was stupefied by just how many times she said it. And here's something you may not have known: she's from the middle class and she's a Washington "outsider". And, get this, a MOM! Wow! I can so relate to her! Okay, so what else ya got? Nothing? Okay. I can so relate to her!

She spoke, at least at first, entirely to the camera, which I found almost as disconcerting as McCain talking exclusively to Jim Lehrer. Mix it up, girl. (Obama did and it was effective.) And the winking? WTF? Who does she think she's talking to? Is she promising us a little roll in the hay or something? I do not care to be flirted with by my (vice-)presidential candidates, or any other candidates. There are plenty of people on the internet that are hotter than her that will be happy to wink at me. And some of them are smarter than her too. Possibly most.

If I were looking for someone for a local newscast, she's my gal. She looks good on camera and can read a cue card like nobody's business. But as a politician and potential leader? She's still a complete joke. And not a funny one. This debate, although better than her interviews, only confirmed this. There was still no actual substance there, no matter how well she sold it.

Oh, guess what? There was someone else at the debate. It's true! Joe Biden was there. Yeah, and they even let him speak. And damn, he was pretty good. A bit lumpy in the first half but he was strong, coherent, knowledgeable, and he actually responded to the questions with stuff he knew about, not just stuff from his note cards. (He did have note cards; they all do. But he can go off of them, which is unsurprisingly useful in a debate.)

He didn't say anything stupid. He's a very smart guy but sometimes he lets his mouth run off. Not tonight. I liked him more after watching this. And trusted him more to run the country, if need be. Which is good.

I was encouraged by the post-debate polls. It appears that most people considered Biden the winner. I didn't expect this. Eight years ago, I couldn't wait for America to see The Idiot in the debates against Al Gore. "Great," thought I, "they'll see what a dipshit this guy is and his numbers will crater." Gore mopped up the floor with him in the debate (on substance, anyway, and truthfulness). Then afterward everyone said the debate was a tie or even that W. had won. I knew that we, as a nation, were in deep deep shit at that moment. (Little did I know just how deep, and how wide, it would get. But that's another story.)

I fully expected the same this time around. "I like her" would trump "She has nothing to say." If we had really learned our lesson, McPain would be getting slaughtered in the polls already. And they're not. But it seems that, although we are slow learners, we are getting it bit by bit.

Keep going, America. You can make it.

Palin Bingo

Why just watch the debates and scream at the television? Have some fun by printing out these custom Palin Bingo cards.

If that's not enough for you, you can always fall back on the standard drinking games. I plan to get completely sloshed by drinking every time she says "maverick".

It's Better to Keep One's Mouth Closed and Be Thought an Idiot...

Okay, so I just browsed through the brand new Newsweek.

Howard Fineman has a brief piece on the upcoming VP debate. In it, he asked the folks who prepped the last two veep candidates for their debates for some friendly advice.

Republican Stewart Stevens, who advised The Dark Lord in 2004, had this to say to Ms. Palin.

Her goal should be to not make news. And that means when Biden attacks, or the moderator's questions are detailed, she should not respond at length. Instead, she should focus on her personality.

Time to complete that maxim: "...than to open it and remove all doubt."

Wow. This man is specifically advising her not to talk about anything of substance. Because, of course, she can't. These people have officially given up on this albatross.

Round 1: Foreign Policy (and The Economy)

Okay, so it's been a few days and I haven't yet commented on the first debate. Well, here goes.

What we have come to call a "debate" in the past several presidential elections is really nothing of the sort. It starts by the moderator asking a question and then, after the contestants offer their oh-so-sincere thanks to the moderator and the hosting institution, they give their stump speech and then take five seconds to acknowledge the actual question without actually answering it. Then when they get asked the first question that they don't like, they go back and answer the previous one. And nobody ever gets to say "Hey, Contestant #2, BULLSHIT!"

So, they changed that this year. Finally, they'll get to address one another and actually, you know, debate. I was really looking forward to seeing how this would shake out.

So they begin in old school "debate" mode and after the first round, Jim Lehrer starts pestering them to start scrapping. He reminded me of the kid in high school that always tried to start a fight between two other people. ("Hey, Brown, are you gonna let Gorecki do that to you?" [Brown responds.] "Hey, Gorecki, are you gonna let Brown do that to you?" [Fight ensues.]) They did finally engage, somewhat. But, as many have noted before, McCain never once looked at Obama. Obama, after the original prompt, directed comments equally to the audience, in the forum and at home, and to McCain. McCain directed all of his responses to Lehrer, as if Lehrer could help him make the annoying smart black man stop talking sense if he bugged him about it enough. It was really creepy after a while. It was like he was wishing him away.

Well, he didn't go away. And no matter how many times he said that Obama "doesn't understand" something, the discussion moved over to Obama, who displayed just how much he did understand. And McCain got testier and testier as the night wore on and he didn't get through to poor Jim Lehrer. (I thought that Lehrer, by the way, was excellent. After the initial egging on, the debate was about the candidates and not the moderator. Like a good umpire, they're doing their job best when you don't notice it.)

My favorite moment was when he told McCain flat-out that he was wrong about Iraq from the get-go. I wish he did more of that, but what he did was a refreshing change from the downright wimpiness of Kerry and Gore, who were trying not to lose more than they were trying to win. Obama also counterpunched well. When McCain warned about Obama "threatening" other countries (i.e. Pakistan), Obama mentioned McCain singing about bombing Iran. He should mention this much more often and more forcefully. And when McCain said something that wasn't true, he immediately said "That's not true" rather than politely wait his turn.

It was by no means a slam dunk for Obama. It was more or less a tie. But this was supposed to be McCain's forte, deservedly so or not (and I think not). So if you took the points on this one, you came out ahead. And it looks like Obama was reaping the benefit of this in the post-debate polls.

McCain is not an idiot. But he is an impulsive and cranky old man and that's exactly what he sounded like. Obama sounded like the bright, calm, in-control guy. One might say "presidential", even. After weeks of McCain throwing Hail Mary after Hail Mary, not to mention eight years of The Idiot and The Dark Lord not listening to anything they didn't want to hear, a little bit of reflection and reason is just what we need.

I hope we get it.